hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
