You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
