I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
