Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Someone came in the potted fern
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
