it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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