you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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