just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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