A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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