i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
