my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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