So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
