textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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