It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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