sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
