Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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