Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
