Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
sex in a hospital.. check
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
