i need an iv and a liver transplant
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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