my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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