i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
