I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
