Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Its about making memories worth repressing
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
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