it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I think my moral compass just broke
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