Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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