Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
be right there i have to get my cape
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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