my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She needs sedatives and a leash
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
