Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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