Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
