she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
