I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
