It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just googled if crying burns calories
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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