Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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