Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
