What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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