i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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