I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
