he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
