the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
