In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
