My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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