I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
