Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
