what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Randomize
