I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I love how my cats smell like pot.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
