I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
