My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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