Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
