Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
