Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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