Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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